Seitan doner kebabs
The best junk food I have ever eaten was served from a disco-themed vegan kebab van called Doner Summer, at a comics convention in Leeds.
There’s a lot going on there. Take a minute, it’s ok.
The seitan was rich and succulent, and they’d put a lot of thought into the accoutrements. Sauces, pickles, crisp fresh veg. Perfect.
This is me trying to recreate it.
I’m not going to do the whole “you couldn’t tell it was vegan” thing - that’s bobbins. And anyway, you could. Doner meat may have an unsettling texture, but you can’t accuse it of not being distinctive.
Like New York vs Neapolitan style pizzas, the best way to avoid a tedious slapfight and stay happy is to accept that they are very different things and carry on with your life. But all that said, it’s fascinating how close seitan does get to the “elephant’s leg” of my greasy kebab shop dreams.
It’s got a close texture but a nice bite to it, slightly spongy sometimes, but not rubbery. It’s like you described a lamb burger to someone who had never heard of meat. You can just buy it from a supermarket these days, but if you want to work in the doner kebab flavours you’re going to need to get your hands dirty - it’s a little bit like making bread.
Ingredients:
This makes… kind of a lot? It’s 600g or so by the end. Don’t worry, it keeps.
Vital wheat gluten, 220g
Gram (chickpea) flour, 40g
Soy sauce, 40 ml
Veg stock, 320ml (room temperature)
Garlic, 3 cloves
Onion, 1 medium or half a big one
Tomato puree, 2tsp
Cumin, 2tsp
Ground coriander, 2tsp
Paprika, 1tsp (half and half smoked and sweet, if you like)
Oregano, 1/2tsp
Parsley, 1/2tsp
Black pepper, a good grind
Chilli, optional
A little salt
I have no idea why it's called "vital" wheat gluten. Comes off self-important if you ask me. But that’s what it says on most of the packets, and there's no accounting for health food marketing.
You'll also want things to serve this with. Bread, salad, that kind of thing. Or just chips and chilli sauce. I won't judge.
Instructions:
Whizz the onion, garlic, and tomato puree to a fine paste in a food processor. Thin it out with a little of the stock if it sticks or won't mix. Then stir it into the remaining stock with the soy sauce.
Mix the dry ingredients.
Gradually mix the liquid into the dry ingredients to form a dough, and knead it for a minute or two. Not long, or you'll overwork the gluten and it might end up tough. It's not the easiest to knead anyway - the overall sensation is like trying to do violence to a rubber sponge.
Shape the dough into a rough sausage that'll fit into whatever pan you're simmering it in, and wrap it up in cling film like a Christmas cracker, knotting the ends.
Get a large pan of water or light veg stock simmering. Put the wrapped dough in the liquid and simmer on a low heat for about an hour. Check on it periodically to see if you need to top up the liquid.
Alternatively, you could shape it into a cling film lined tin, and cook it in a water bath in a 150 oven, for about the same time. That's what Tim Hayward does with his lamb version and that looks pretty great.
Remove from the heat, and once cool enough to handle, remove the cling film.
You've got seitan doner meat. What happens next is between you and your gods.
To turn this into dinner you'll need kebab fixins'. Or a skinfull and a big bag of chips.
I'd recommend getting some good bread, shredded cabbage and red onion, maybe a little cucumber, some chilli sauce and some tahini yoghurt. I’ve used a mini naan in the pictures here. There honestly isn’t a good reason beyond that I like them.
When you're ready to serve, cut some thin slices off the seitan, and quickly fry them in a little oil until you get a bit of colour. Alternatively, reheat the whole sausage in the oven, blow-torching at the end for some crisping/showboating, and slice at the table.
There you go. Call it vegan, call it plant-based, or just call it dinner - you’ve got a pretty tasty kebab.